Two of a kind. Living in harmony.
These two…. They co-exist.
There is a balance between them. The world, shared and understood.
These two…. They survive, some might say they even thrive.
Flowing through the day, connecting with those around them.
These two.... most of the time they agree.
Most of the time.
But there are times when they simply don't see the world the same way.
Times when they fight.
Times when they disagree.
Times when the switch happens so fast that there is no warning. No time to prepare. No time to change the situation. No time to silence the battle.
When one sees light, happiness, and hope.
But the other sees hate, breakage, and disappointment.
One is open and kind, the other is hardened and hurt.
Moments when one loves being surrounded by people.
Smiling widely with happiness.
Their laughter bouncing off the walls.
Moments when the other wants to run because groups are harsh.
Hiding behind a mask of a fake smile.
Hearing voices echoing in mocking tones.
To the people around them, there is no change. Conversation continues, laughter rises, and happiness surrounds groups like hugs.
But if the people look, they would see the cracks. How the smile is broken. How the eyes are disconnected and frantic. How the laughter is forced. The pain and fear hide on the edge of fake happiness.
Logic knows they are safe. Logic knows they are happy. Logic knows that nothing changed in the last 10 seconds. However, Logic knows they are no longer in control.
Emotion took over.
Emotion knows that they are unwanted and they are not welcome among the group.
Emotion knows there is too much noise and they don't deserve to speak.
Emotion knows they should be in the dark and they don't deserve the light.
Emotion knows they need to leave and they don't deserve company.
Emotion knows they are not allowed to be here. That they are undeserving of friendship, undeserving of love.
Logic knows that Emotion is incorrect. Logic knows that Emotion is out of line.
Emotion thinks Logic is covering its eyes to the truth. If they would just listen, they would see how high above their worth they hold themselves.
This war rages on, sometimes for just a moment or 2 before Emotion steps back. Other times..... for days, all Logic can do is ride out the storm.
Nothing can be said or done to change how Emotion sees the world. No amount of facts changes how they view.
Every touch is overstimulating.
Every sound, harsh.
Each and every glance in their direction is one of judgment.
Each breath, stolen from someone more worthy of air.
To Emotion, there is no amount of work they can do to gain worth.
Nothing they can say that will make a conversation with them worth the time you lose by listening.
They will never dress in such a way that it isn't an assault on your eyes.
They will never understand how anyone would willingly be in a room that they occupy and it makes no sense for you to invite them in.
They are unworthy, unwanted, unskilled, unloved, and unwelcome.
So, tonight, Emotion drives the thoughts. Logic tries unsuccessfully to keep control.
And me?
I am going to use all the tools in my arsenal to make sure that you never know about this war inside me, and I hope, with every fiber of my being, that you never understand
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you are living with a mental health disorder or find yourself struggling in ways that feel heavy, please remember: You are not alone. There are people who understand, people who care, and people who want to walk through the darkness with you. Healing isn't meant to be done in isolation. Find your people, reach out, and let others help hold the weight with you.
If you, or someone you know is facing emotional distress, thoughts of self-harm, or a mental health crisis, support is available 24/7
Call or text: 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Hotline, available for immediate, confidential emotional support.
Chat online: Visit 988lifeline.org to connect with a trained counselor through live chat
Text-based Support Alternative: You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line, offering free, 24/7 support via messaging.
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