Words - C.C. Bran

Words are hard.

They are hard when you want to use them to acknowledge feelings.

Feelings are harsh, they hide their names.

Names of emotions are hidden because they wanna play like they are something else.

What is the else that they wanna be? Each other.

But names don’t matter. They are just words…

Words? Words are hard.

Yeah. A stupid circle that swirls around your brain. Swirls around, spins you, takes you down. Every time around it pulls in more things that didn’t bother you before, but now they do because there is too much. Too much what? Too much EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING hides what feeling it is and takes away its name and then pulls in another piece of the world.

It buries you. Then? It takes the shovel. You will never dig yourself out. There is no air to breathe as it took that too. The pressure surrounds you. You can’t call out for help for fear it will tear the sound from your throat and keep it away from you. You can’t reach out for assistance because the weight of everything pushes you further down.

The constriction and pull hurt. You just wanted to ask for help, that’s all. You wanted to tell them how you felt, you wanted to tell them how today it felt like excitement and happiness leading up to the moment you were supposed to leave the house. Then excitement ripped off the cloak it wore and you knew it was actually fear. That happiness stood beside it and laughed as it showed its true nature as foreboding joy. They have names. They have symptoms. They have descriptions. None of them can make it past your lips to describe your feelings to anyone who might help.

They don’t see where it comes from. They just see sudden hate. Unexplained hurt. Your body curled into itself as tears roll down your cheeks. They see you in the act of downing, with no way to toss you a life preserver. They will never see the mental fight to walk past the door. The moment to moment battle that is constantly ongoing in your head, in your chest, in the ache in your bones.

After a while, they look at you as if you have made it all up. You say you’re happy, but you cry. You smile, but flinch when people talk. You plan outings, but lie in bed when the time comes. You can’t be believed. You are not to be counted on when looking at the day to day activities. No one knows why you make that choice.

Yeah, you are able to find the time to be there when it really counts. When your friends are stranded, you can get past everything and be by their side, no matter what words have hidden themselves that day. You make sure that plans are built in such a way that there are backups and replacements for everything. The group needs to be taken care of. You are a mother hen who just can’t let her chicks run into danger. You would fight the wolf for your friends, but the words are not the occasional wolf.

This is your life. You wanted the job. You wanted the family. You wanted the home. You wanted… Happiness. You caused this. This is all your own fault. Take ownership. Deal with the ever changing feelings. Deal and push past the doorway. Place a smile and make sure no one around you feels uncomfortable. This little fit you have? They don’t need to be bothered. This stress would not be so bad if you planned better. If you quit making things up.

You can hear it all being said, even though no one is there. You know they all think it, even if they have never opened their mouth. You know you’re not enough. You will never be enough. No matter how much planning. No matter how far you stretch. No matter how many times you try. You can’t tell them how you feel. Even you don’t know how you feel. The feelings give you the wrong names. They hide. They pretend to be what they aren’t. You can’t ask for help if you can’t even say the words.

Then the day comes.

He has been looking. He has been paying attention. He is finally able to reach through your fog and make a difference. You have built your life together. You have grown, side by side. No, it wasn’t always this way. The battles were easier. The emotions, easier to deal with. The fights within yourself were fewer and farther in between. He was there the whole time, but life was different then.

He turns to you. He sees your smile, taped on as it is, and he carefully reaches out and removes it. He touches your cheek and wipes away the tear even though you didn’t know it was there. He reaches into your darkness and your fingers touch. He puts the air back in the space and you are allowed to breathe. His arms lift you. His heart beat steadies yours.

He sees your struggle. He doesn’t need words to know you are asking for help. He doesn’t understand in the moment what is in front of you, but he knows there is a battle and you just need to breathe and gives you time to find the words. He doesn’t push you out the door. He holds it open for when you are ready to cross. He doesn’t rip you out of bed, but crawls in beside you and holds you until you can find the strength to pull back the blanket again. He takes the plans you have made and helps find the pieces and parts that are manageable for you in the moment. He helps find the pitfalls so you can be counted on again.

He knows the battle. He is fighting one himself. He finds strength in you that you didn’t know existed because he had to find his while on his own. He knows the doorway is hard to push past when emotions stand in the way. He knows the crushing sand of being overwhelmed and alone. He fights his battle, hiding it from you all this time because he didn’t know how to ask for help either.

He is your hero. Your knight. Your protector.

The war is one that you both decide to fight together. That the battles will be won because you stand side by side. Stronger together. You chose him and he chose you.

You don’t need as many words. The words are not as hard anymore. You don’t have to use them to acknowledge feelings because you can look at him and he understands. The feelings don’t hold a lasting edge because he can hold you together when they tear you apart. The feelings can’t hide their names. They can’t play like they are something else, or another emotion.

You don’t need words when wrapped in his arms. You know of one word that means everything and you will never let it go for it gives you strength, energy, purpose, comfort, protection, and love.

Soulmate.